I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
