Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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