i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
