all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
