Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
