I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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