i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
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so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
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There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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