When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
