just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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