He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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