it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
