insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
