we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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