if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
