The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
