Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
