i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
