You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
