I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
