1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
