I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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