i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
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Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
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He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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