I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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