Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
