The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
