saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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