Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
