I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
