after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Actions speak louder than pants.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
