Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
