I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
