feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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