Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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