Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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