fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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