I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
