Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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