Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
