I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
