Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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