Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
