3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
