Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
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