maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
