ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
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like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
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I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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