No period for spring break; use this wisely.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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