I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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