Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
