Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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