One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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