We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Did I show you my penis last night?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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