Tell her she can't have a vagina
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
