and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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