May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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