Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
